User talk:Pumpkinman77
Additionally from what I read, I would suggest taking the complete version to the writer's workshop before attempting to post it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 20:45, June 6, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:35, June 6, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:35, June 6, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with the basics, when I first deleted the incomplete version, I noted that "from what I read, I would suggest taking the complete version to the writer's workshop before attempting to post it." The story you posted had a lot of the issues that I noted in the original incomplete version like: Capitalization: Dialogue tags improperly capitalized. "“Sean, look what I found !(space not needed)” My (my) seven-year-old brother Logan shouted at me.", "“Don’t you see? I am your worst nightmare but also your best daydream” It (it) said.", "“Ah, it has been such a long time since I have had a proper master.” It (it) said to me.", etc. Proper nouns left uncapitalized. "I was thinking to myself about the “person” that i (I) saw a couple days earlier." Punctuation: Punctuation missing from dialogue. "“Don’t you see? I am your worst nightmare but also your best daydream(,)” It said.", “Because, Sean, I am you(period missing)”", “Embrace me Sean, never feel fear, become all-powerful, and save your family from this hell hole we call earth”, etc. Punctuation improperly used in dialogue. "“Hey, Sean.(,)” it said.", “How the fuck do you know my name.(?)” I thought to myself.", "“Ah, it has been such a long time since I have had a proper master.(comma needed instead of a period)” It said to me.", etc. Wording issues: Redundancies. "It was June, Summer was starting and my family had plans to go out of state for a vacation; we had plans to move into a cabin by Elk River, Oklahoma.", " I looked away as soon as I saw it, my parents asked me what I was looking at, I said nothing", etc. Avoid repeating the same word or phrase multiple times in the same story. Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. "It soon took off it’s (its) hooded dress of sorts and revealed pure darkness. " Story issues: The story is very rushed. The confrontation with the shadow being really feels more like the rough draft that's missing sections than a complete conversation. The climax where the main horror of the story should be is condensed into a few sentences. "Next, he went into Owen’s room, broke a window, and made him eat several bits of glass. He then created a copy of me, and mangled it with a straight razor. He did this with my parents, forcing me to carry out these horrid actions." Remember, this is the point where you are looking to ramp up the horror of the story and bring it to a crescendo. This feels more like you wrote it all at once and were in a hurry to post it. Additionally it's a pretty bland description ("He did this with my parents, forcing me to carry out these horrid actions.") that really doesn't do a good job for conveying the horror of the situation. Story issues: There's not a lot of build-up here. Sean's interaction with his alternate self feels really unnecessary and not explained. How exactly is he interacting with himself from the past? If I interpreted the ending right, ("After lurking in the forest for years I found some little kids fishing, I sneered to myself and said, “I think I’ve found myself a new master.”") it's that Sean just encountered his past self (somehow) and was about to repeat the actions of the plot. First off, how does this work? Why isn't it alluded to in the story? If Sean can randomly interact with his past self, why would he choose to repeat the same issues (more on this below)? Story issues cont.: There are more issues here, but I'm going to focus on character development rather than have my review be longer than the story itself. How exactly does the protagonist go from this: "I tried to resist its movements towards Logan’s bedroom but I had no chance" to this: "Now I was one of them, I did my best to smile in the mirror, and walked away"? Why exactly does he murder his family (under possession) and then proceed to repeat these actions again (especially when the first time was so traumatic)? As for getting your story approved, I would suggest that this needs a lot of re-working. The issues aren't only present in the story. This plot needs a lot more fleshing out, the characters need quite a bit of re-tooling to make their actions resonate in some way with the audience in a believable manner, and more time needs to be spent making this story feel more visceral and effective. I'm going to once again suggest using the writer's workshop as there are quite a lot of issues here (some of which aren't mentioned here). Best of luck. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:12, June 7, 2017 (UTC)